1 year!

So I meant to post this earlier and the weekend was busy!

ANYWAY!

I have been at my current job for a year now. 

Last year when I took the job I was told that it was part time with the possibility of going full time. I was part time for one day.  I am so blessed to have this job. I have the best parents, co-workers, boss, and kids that I could ask for.  I love going to my job everyday. 

A year ago I could not imagine that I would have such a great bond with all of these people.  I can not put into words how thankful I am to be able to get up everyday and thoroughly enjoy going to work. Yes I have days that are crazy and I feel crazy but  I get through it and the next day is better. 

I am moody and cranky sometimes and my coworkers look past it and are always there to take care of me or help me get out of the bad mood! 

Sweet Sixteen

Today my sweet Conner turned sweet 16!   I can not believe it.  This is the third year that I have not been able to celebrate with her.  I did get to talk to her.  Her mom and sister do not know that I talked to her.  It is so good to hear her voice and know that she is still that goofy kid that I adore.  In two years she will be 18 and her mother will no longer have any control over if she sees us or not.  If she talks to me or not. I guess it sounds crazy but I have a countdown on my phone till that day.  730 days.  I am excited.  So is she.  We talked about that on the phone. 

There are some things in life that I just do not understand.   A person having a desire to cause other people pain is something that I do not and can not understand.  I have been in so much pain with this situation for such a long time.  It will always hurt me that I missed out on these years of her life.  I love and miss you my beautiful girl!!

 

 

 

An aunt for the 4th time.

15 years ago I became an aunt for the 4th time in my life.  So this should not have been new or exciting for me.  But it was.  This time was different.  This time was special.  This time I was getting a nephew.  I had 3 beautiful and wonderful nieces.  So this nephew business was an entirely different experience. 

I will never forget when my first nephew was born.  My sister had been walking around dilated to I think 3 for a few weeks.  She had went to the hospital and been sent home. So she calls our mom and tells her that her water broke.  My mom is in a panic and says we will be right over.  My dear sisters quick response was "Wait about 2o minutes I want to do my hair and makeup first."  She then yelled at us for taking so long.   My mom sped and ran every red light and stop sign that got in her way.  She wanted to meet her grandson! This was sometime around 2 -3 in the afternoon.  It was a long labor.  Around 12 hours later my first nephew was born.  Jackson Bailee Rider.  He was so little and looked like a mad old man! 

He wasn't a baby that liked to be held or rocked.  But even at a month old he would get quiet and watch a ball game.  Or the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  I guess that was a clue to his personality!  He was such a wild and crazy kid!   At about 8 months old he jumped out of crib at daycare. He always wanted to work and to help. He would pick up sticks for hours!   He was adventurous! He could keep you laughing for hours. He still is and still can.
 
I have so many stories I could tell you about him.  But none of them can show you his mischievous  smile, the special twinkle in his eye when he has a great idea or the look of compassion and care that he has when he is concerned about someone he loves.

He has grown into a handsome young man.  He is sweet, caring, loving and has a very sensitive heart.  He can make you laugh and always will try to take care of the people in his life.  Any girl that is lucky enough to date him should treat him with kindness and love because that is the way he will treat her.  Besides my sister (and his sister and his aunt!) are slightly nuts and will hunt down anyone that hurts him!

I am so beyond blessed that I have been able to watch him grow into the young man that he has become.  I can not wait to see all that life holds for him.  I know that it will be as amazing as he is.  He is such an amazing kid.  I miss him like crazy and I hope that he had a birthday that was as amazing as he is! I love you Cracker Jack!!!

Life

I have so much stuff on my mind. Constantly.  I am about a week away from doing my first 5K and I am a nervous wreck.  I do not plan on running it but walking it and I am still so nervous.  Like what if I cant finish it? I know I walk a 5K or better at the track all the time but what if I cant do it this time?

I can not wait till the day I can get rid of all of my clothes and start brand new with cute skinny people clothes! I am a little obsessed with this.  To the point that I am going to wait as long as possible to buy any clothes.  I just want to be cute and happy and dressed like a cute and happy person!!


SO even though I am doubting my ability to complete the 5K I am signed up for I want to do more!   I am slightly obsessed with this too!  I keep looking up more and more 5K's to do! I am pretty excited about it!


I am really enjoying working with school age kids this summer but I am so excited about getting back to my babies too!   I miss them all!  I am already planning my crafts and bulletin board for the fall. I will miss all of the big kids though.  I am getting attached to them too!

Me.

So I have made some changes to my lifestyle.  I have been very hesitant to tell people because I do not want the judgement and comments that come with letting people know what I have been up to.  I just know how some people are.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have felt unlovable, not good enough, ugly, dumb, and have really just hated myself because of my weight. I have given up and not cared and didnt even try to do anything about it. That has all changed.

On March 24 I joined weight watchers and started regularly using the MyFitnessPal account I setup months ago.
Now don't get the wrong idea. I have not went on some crazy strict diet. I am making lifestyle changes. I still eat what I want. Just not as much as I want. So please never ask me if I can have something. I can have whatever I want and I do. I  measure and track everything I eat. I plan my meals. I know on Wednesday nights I am going to be eating out so I make sure my breakfast and lunch are fewer calorie meals than on other days.

Losing weight has been more emotional than I was prepared for. Somedays I just feel crazy. I have always been an emotional eater and I have really had to deal with that since trying to lose weight.  I do not have this all figured out.  Some days I think I am doing great.  Some days I do not think I can keep this up. As of today I have lost 30.4 pounds. I did not think that was possible a few months ago. I do not take compliments well. SO if I offend you by that I am sorry. I do appreciate them.

There are days when I look in the mirror and I can totally tell that I am doing great and days when I look in the mirror and all I see is how much more I have to go.It is  a struggle every day and sometimes every meal.
Here are a few pictures of me before I started and then the others are a few weeks ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new day!

Last night I posted a pretty depressing and emotional post.  It resulted in a rough night for myself. I spent some time just crying ( as girls do) and just was not sure about how today would be. 

I woke up this morning in a strange mood. I have been in a pretty great mood.  I have felt happier than I have in a long time.  I am not sure why and I am not sure how long it will last but I am grateful for this day! I have felt almost giddy! If I didn't know any better I would describe the feeling as being in love!   I guess I am in love with life!  For the moment anyways!  HA HA HA!!!!

I have this overwhelming feeling that my life is going to be great!  My life is going to turn out the way I always imagined and better.  I have hope that this feeling continues.  I am not sure where it came from.  I hope that it sticks around for awhile! 

Anyways,  I just wanted to let everyone know that today has been better. I feel if I post about the negative and crazy things in my life I should equally post about the positive things!

Emotional

So it has been a very emotional weekendish time for me.

Saturday it was 3 months since I lost my Granny Liz.  It has gotten easier  but I still miss her and think of her daily.  I do not think that will ever change. She had such an impact on my life. I can not even describe it.  I mean I was named after her.

Sunday was wonderfully uneventful. I stayed in my pajamas and napped and watched tv all day! It was  amazing.

Saturday I also helped an amazing teenager find her prom dress.  Ms. Lex is the same age as my sweet Conner. It made me miss for her so much! Not a day goes by that I do not think of Conner. It has been 1 year 9 months and 11 days since Conner was forced to move out. Just like with my Granny Liz, I still think of Conner EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her Every Single Day. It has gotten easier but harder too. I have missed so much. I am still not allowed to speak to her or see her.

I heard from Conner on Monday and it made me very emotional. I know that she is not that little girl that I picture sometimes when I think of her but to me she always will be. When I say it breaks my heart how much I miss her I mean it. I literally feel like a piece of me is missing.  She kept saying she wanted to come home but she cant.  Funny even after 1 year 9 months and 11 days she still considers this to be home. This is her family. Not the place or people she has been with during that time. I keep hope that in 925 days she will be 18 and out of high school and will not be able to be kept from me any longer.

I do not think anyone understands this pain.

19 years.

19 years ago my life changed forever.  

 I became an Aunt for the first time. 

 I can not believe what a huge impact that small baby has had on my life. I could not have imagined the fun and laughter that we have shared over the years. I could not have ever believed that she would not only be my niece but grow up to be my friend. She is smarter, more beautiful and more talented than any of us could have ever known as we looked at that baby all swaddled up and our hearts filled with love and joy.  She has brought more happiness than any of us could have imagined. 

I do not have the words to express what a truly amazing person she is.  She is funny. She can make you laugh all day long. She is a nerd and not just because it is cool to be a nerd right now,  but a true to heart nerd and she loves it!  So do I because that is who she has always been. 

She is funny, mean, loving (not in a touchy feely or mushy sort of way), sweet and sarcastic! 
 She has a temper so do not push her! She is very protective over the people she loves.

She is a dreamer.  She has big dreams and big plans and she does whatever it takes to try to accomplish those things.  She has her life planned out and she will make her dreams come true.  They might change 10 times but she will figure them out. She has such a bright future ahead of her and I am so thankful that I get to tag a long and watch. That I get to be part of her exciting world. 

People that do not take advantage of the opportunities that they have to spend time with her are truly missing out on an amazing person. 

I love her more than I could ever put into words.  I can not wait to see what the next 19 years have in store!