I don't have a good title.

I don't have a good title for this blog post.
I don't really know what I want to say.




Let me start with the things I have learned over this unexpected week off.


I don't do well in the dark. 
              We have had times of darkness in this snowmaggedon, stupid cold, winter storm whatever you want to call it.  I don't do well.  I don't like the dark. I don't like being without power.  I don't do well that way.  I am kind of crazy and big ol baby and not mention afraid of my own shadow.  The dark and I do NOT get along.


I don't do well in the cold. 
             I don't like being cold.  I hate the cold.  The cold makes me want to cry.  On Tuesday when we were without power for 9 hours or so I wanted to cry.  Our house was bitterly cold. I was in multiple layers and with blankets.  I still wanted to cry.  Call me a wuss. I don't care.


I don't do well in the dark and the cold.
Read above.  It isn't pretty.


I am an over-thinker.  I have spent more time in my head thinking about things this week than is probably healthy.  Then I start over-thinking the fact that I over-think.  No one should spend this much time in their head.  It is not good.


Hallmark movies are addictive.  They are great movies.  They can also make you feel bad about your life.  However, they are addictive so you have no choice but to watch them.  I will not tell you how many I have watched but it has been a lot!


I am blessed that I have been safe and warm with plenty of food and diet mt dew.  I am so thankful for that. Not everyone has been as lucky.  


Also, if you are not getting your news from anywhere but here
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Friends-of-Cheatham-County-Weather/637560576349583
you are just living your life all wrong.

1 year!

So I meant to post this earlier and the weekend was busy!

ANYWAY!

I have been at my current job for a year now. 

Last year when I took the job I was told that it was part time with the possibility of going full time. I was part time for one day.  I am so blessed to have this job. I have the best parents, co-workers, boss, and kids that I could ask for.  I love going to my job everyday. 

A year ago I could not imagine that I would have such a great bond with all of these people.  I can not put into words how thankful I am to be able to get up everyday and thoroughly enjoy going to work. Yes I have days that are crazy and I feel crazy but  I get through it and the next day is better. 

I am moody and cranky sometimes and my coworkers look past it and are always there to take care of me or help me get out of the bad mood! 

Sweet Sixteen

Today my sweet Conner turned sweet 16!   I can not believe it.  This is the third year that I have not been able to celebrate with her.  I did get to talk to her.  Her mom and sister do not know that I talked to her.  It is so good to hear her voice and know that she is still that goofy kid that I adore.  In two years she will be 18 and her mother will no longer have any control over if she sees us or not.  If she talks to me or not. I guess it sounds crazy but I have a countdown on my phone till that day.  730 days.  I am excited.  So is she.  We talked about that on the phone. 

There are some things in life that I just do not understand.   A person having a desire to cause other people pain is something that I do not and can not understand.  I have been in so much pain with this situation for such a long time.  It will always hurt me that I missed out on these years of her life.  I love and miss you my beautiful girl!!

 

 

 

An aunt for the 4th time.

15 years ago I became an aunt for the 4th time in my life.  So this should not have been new or exciting for me.  But it was.  This time was different.  This time was special.  This time I was getting a nephew.  I had 3 beautiful and wonderful nieces.  So this nephew business was an entirely different experience. 

I will never forget when my first nephew was born.  My sister had been walking around dilated to I think 3 for a few weeks.  She had went to the hospital and been sent home. So she calls our mom and tells her that her water broke.  My mom is in a panic and says we will be right over.  My dear sisters quick response was "Wait about 2o minutes I want to do my hair and makeup first."  She then yelled at us for taking so long.   My mom sped and ran every red light and stop sign that got in her way.  She wanted to meet her grandson! This was sometime around 2 -3 in the afternoon.  It was a long labor.  Around 12 hours later my first nephew was born.  Jackson Bailee Rider.  He was so little and looked like a mad old man! 

He wasn't a baby that liked to be held or rocked.  But even at a month old he would get quiet and watch a ball game.  Or the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  I guess that was a clue to his personality!  He was such a wild and crazy kid!   At about 8 months old he jumped out of crib at daycare. He always wanted to work and to help. He would pick up sticks for hours!   He was adventurous! He could keep you laughing for hours. He still is and still can.
 
I have so many stories I could tell you about him.  But none of them can show you his mischievous  smile, the special twinkle in his eye when he has a great idea or the look of compassion and care that he has when he is concerned about someone he loves.

He has grown into a handsome young man.  He is sweet, caring, loving and has a very sensitive heart.  He can make you laugh and always will try to take care of the people in his life.  Any girl that is lucky enough to date him should treat him with kindness and love because that is the way he will treat her.  Besides my sister (and his sister and his aunt!) are slightly nuts and will hunt down anyone that hurts him!

I am so beyond blessed that I have been able to watch him grow into the young man that he has become.  I can not wait to see all that life holds for him.  I know that it will be as amazing as he is.  He is such an amazing kid.  I miss him like crazy and I hope that he had a birthday that was as amazing as he is! I love you Cracker Jack!!!

Life

I have so much stuff on my mind. Constantly.  I am about a week away from doing my first 5K and I am a nervous wreck.  I do not plan on running it but walking it and I am still so nervous.  Like what if I cant finish it? I know I walk a 5K or better at the track all the time but what if I cant do it this time?

I can not wait till the day I can get rid of all of my clothes and start brand new with cute skinny people clothes! I am a little obsessed with this.  To the point that I am going to wait as long as possible to buy any clothes.  I just want to be cute and happy and dressed like a cute and happy person!!


SO even though I am doubting my ability to complete the 5K I am signed up for I want to do more!   I am slightly obsessed with this too!  I keep looking up more and more 5K's to do! I am pretty excited about it!


I am really enjoying working with school age kids this summer but I am so excited about getting back to my babies too!   I miss them all!  I am already planning my crafts and bulletin board for the fall. I will miss all of the big kids though.  I am getting attached to them too!

Me.

So I have made some changes to my lifestyle.  I have been very hesitant to tell people because I do not want the judgement and comments that come with letting people know what I have been up to.  I just know how some people are.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have felt unlovable, not good enough, ugly, dumb, and have really just hated myself because of my weight. I have given up and not cared and didnt even try to do anything about it. That has all changed.

On March 24 I joined weight watchers and started regularly using the MyFitnessPal account I setup months ago.
Now don't get the wrong idea. I have not went on some crazy strict diet. I am making lifestyle changes. I still eat what I want. Just not as much as I want. So please never ask me if I can have something. I can have whatever I want and I do. I  measure and track everything I eat. I plan my meals. I know on Wednesday nights I am going to be eating out so I make sure my breakfast and lunch are fewer calorie meals than on other days.

Losing weight has been more emotional than I was prepared for. Somedays I just feel crazy. I have always been an emotional eater and I have really had to deal with that since trying to lose weight.  I do not have this all figured out.  Some days I think I am doing great.  Some days I do not think I can keep this up. As of today I have lost 30.4 pounds. I did not think that was possible a few months ago. I do not take compliments well. SO if I offend you by that I am sorry. I do appreciate them.

There are days when I look in the mirror and I can totally tell that I am doing great and days when I look in the mirror and all I see is how much more I have to go.It is  a struggle every day and sometimes every meal.
Here are a few pictures of me before I started and then the others are a few weeks ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new day!

Last night I posted a pretty depressing and emotional post.  It resulted in a rough night for myself. I spent some time just crying ( as girls do) and just was not sure about how today would be. 

I woke up this morning in a strange mood. I have been in a pretty great mood.  I have felt happier than I have in a long time.  I am not sure why and I am not sure how long it will last but I am grateful for this day! I have felt almost giddy! If I didn't know any better I would describe the feeling as being in love!   I guess I am in love with life!  For the moment anyways!  HA HA HA!!!!

I have this overwhelming feeling that my life is going to be great!  My life is going to turn out the way I always imagined and better.  I have hope that this feeling continues.  I am not sure where it came from.  I hope that it sticks around for awhile! 

Anyways,  I just wanted to let everyone know that today has been better. I feel if I post about the negative and crazy things in my life I should equally post about the positive things!