What I would have done.

I wish I knew what I could have done differently to keep Allisyn from hating me.  She left 15 months ago and I try not to dwell on it. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about her. Sometimes I am so angry I can not see straight. Sometimes it hurts in a crazy way. Sometimes I just miss her.  I miss our goofy conversations and fixing her hair and makeup.  I was so blindsided by this. She said such horrible things about me. But I felt that we were so close.  She slept in my room up until the last week she was here!  She spent all of her time with me. We talked about everything.  There is not a single thing I wouldn't have done for her.

I know most people don't understand how this can be such a big deal to me. After all I have been reminded more times that I can count that none of my nieces or nephews are my kids.  As if I didn't know that.  I may not have given birth to Allisyn and Conner but I surely couldn't love them anymore than I do. I have spent more time with them in the previous years of their lives than their parents did. 

I feel in so many ways that my heart was ripped out of me. I am sure one day it will not affect me like it does right now. I see that it is better than it was this time last year.

I don't begrudge her wanting to live with her mom. I never wanted to keep her from her mom. I encouraged that relationship. I tried to include her mom in any way that I could. I just wish she had tried to talk to me and tell me what she feeling and that she wanted to go live with her mom.

It feels like I will never see or speak to her again.  I am sure that is not the case. I just do not know what I would say to her if I did talk to her. I am not sure how I would react if I did see her.