Gone from my Sight.

The day before my Granny Liz passed away I read a booklet that they gave us at the hospice center called "Gone from my sight" . On the last page was this poem and reading it has probably helped me more than anything else.  I try to keep thinking of all of the people that were waiting for her on the other side.  It does not make me miss her any less but I do not worry about her.

Gone From My Sightby Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Death comes in its own time, in its own way.
Death is as unique as the individual experiencing it.

Anonymous

A week later.

A week ago today my family said our final goodbyes to my Granny Liz. I would not want her back as she was.  She was in so much pain it was hard to watch.  By the middle of the day on that Friday they did get her morphine regulated to the point that she was not in any pain.  She passed peacefully and comfortably with her family around her. You cant really ask for more than that. I know she is in a better place. I know she is not in anymore pain. I know she would not want me upset. That doesnt keep it from hurting. That doesnt keep me from crying. That doesnt keep from wanting her back. There are so many things I wanted to ask her and talk to her about and I never got to.  I wish I could have just one more day with her well and happy. If she saw me right now  she would be griping at me for being sad. I am trying not to get upset. I wish I had the right words to express how I am feeling. I just dont or cant think of them. Cant find them.  I am not myself right now.  I am trying but its hard.
So if you see me and I am short with you or hateful or dont say much please dont take it personally.  It is just how I am right now.  I am sure at some point I will get back to myself. This is just harder than I ever thought it would be.  I took care of her all summer knowing this was going to happen and soon but it did not prepare me for the shock of her going into the hospice center. Or the shock of being told the doctor said to call in the family. The shock of watching her breathing become more and more shallow till I watched the last breath.  As my 8 year old nephew said there is a crack in my heart and it will never heal.  I am sorry if this was to depressing for any of you.

Does it get any easier?

Life. Death. Does it get any easier?
 At 4 years old I lost my "grandfather Jack". I do not have a lot of memories of him. I remember his funeral. I remember seeing him in the hospital before he died. I remember that he loved me so much. He always gave me butterscotch.

At 6 I lost my dad's dad "Little Pop". He was really funny. I remember going to his house and the hospital bed being there. I remember mama telling me he had died. I remember some of his funeral. That is about all I know about him.

At 14 I lost my great aunt Pauline. She funny and crazy and just wonderful. I understood what was going on and knew that she was going to die.

At 17 I lost my mom's mom "Pop". My brother is so much like him. It is crazy. I wish I had known him better. I wish I had more memories.

I have lost many other people in my life. Never does it get easier. Expected or unexpected. As I try to prepare myself for losing my Granny Liz I wish I had the wisdom, strength and selflessnes that I had at 4 when I told people at Jacks funeral not to cry because he was with our Lord now. I know she is in a lot of pain and that she is suffering and I hate that. But it does not mean I am ready to let her go. I guess I never will be.

October

So my job became full time.  I still love it.  I work with awesome ladies. The kids are also amazing.  We have so much fun.  The parents are also great.  I am on a regular schedule and it makes me pretty happy! 

My birthday was yesterday.  I am officially in my 30's.   I do not love not because it is old or that I feel old but I am just not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Not in just one particular way just overall.  This is not the life I thought I would have.

I have to say that cancer sucks. I hate it. It has claimed the lives of to many of my family members. My Granny Liz was put in hospice this week. The cancer has progressed regardless of the radiation that she had during the summer. I can not put into words how much she means to me.  How much I love her.  I would do anything to not have to lose her.  However, I don't want her to be in pain and to suffer. I just wish I had appreciated the times that she was well more.
Please pray for her and our family. 

AST

In 2 weeks it will be AST's founders day.  After all these years this still makes me tear up!
 
What Is A Tau?

A Tau is a mixture of a boisterous little girl, a troubled adolescent, a sophisticated coed, charming young woman and a wise old lady.

She's a streak of gold and a flash of green dancing in the union, tying up the phone, planning a big weekend, cutting a two-hour lab, loafing in the dining hall, and whipping up a last minute party.

She will tease you some, comfort you when things look bad, let you down once in a while, lift you up when it counts the most, and praise you for your finest qualities.

On her desk you'll find a dance program, a sorority hat, Mom's last letter, a football schedule, her boyfriend's picture, and a calendar of social events.

As a sorority girl, she'll exert all her efforts to build a prize-winning float, compose a clever skit, pay this quarter's dues, set the table for tea, decorate for a party, and rush for AST.

She's known as an individualist, a party girl, a procrastinator, an absolute failure, and a huge success!

And when you need a song, she's there to sing it.

If you need a dress, she's there to lend it.
When you need some understanding, she's there to give it.

And when you need a sister, she's right there beside you.

She can be so much, yet so little.
But when she accepts a rose, a shirt, a pin and a hat, she's an angel, a princess, my sister!

 

An Alpha Sigma Tau

 

 

 

 

 

New things!

Last Friday I started a new job! It is only part time but I love it! Hopefully, at some point it will be full time we will see.  I am working at the Cheatham Middle School daycare.  I just feel better knowing that I have something to do each day!  I am also sleeping better!! A big bonus is I get to see my favorite 2 year old and favorite infant every single day!! 

So for everyone that thought I would fall apart when Kendall left

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::BBBllllllrrrrrrrrttttt:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


I told you I would be fine!    I told you I could make it! 


Speaking of Kendall, (what how long did you expect me not to talk about her) she is enjoying college.  She likes her roommate!   SHOCKED I know!!!  She is not a people person! She is making friends.  She has survived doing laundry a few times. I am proud of her!   I miss her! I can not wait to see her! I am so happy that she is having a good time and that she LOVES college!!!

 

Hmmmm.  What else?

It is not even close to the election and I am tired of the daily political rants, excuses and accusations by both parties! I mean if you think you can change someones political beliefs based on your own then you are all sorts of crazy!




 Pink Sparkly shoes make me happy!

So does pretty duck tape!







That is all for now!   5 a.m. comes early!!

Today. 9-2-12

My sweet Conner,
                                         Today is your 15th birthday and I hope that it was a great day.  I have thought about you all day long.  Honestly not a day goes by that I do not think of you and Allisyn.  Regardless of all  that happened I love you both more than I could ever tell you. I miss you both.  You are always in my heart. This may be the second birthday of yours that has passed but it is not any easier than it was last year.  I hope you got to talk to your dad.  I hope that you had a great celebration.

Going Greek.

Kendall has been at UTM since the 16th of August.  For quite some time we have been discussing if she would participate in recruitment week or not.  I have tried not to influence her decision but just tell her that this is her college experience and she has to make that decision for herself. 

Monday night was the informational meeting for ladies that were interested in participating in recruitment. I was not sure if she would attend or not because the last she had said was probably not. So I was pretty surprised when she called my Monday night and said that she went and she was so excited about going through the recruitment process. 

I am very excited for her.  It is bittersweet for me though. UTM does not have a chapter of AST.  I know this may sound silly but this was something I always wanted to share with her.  I wanted her to maybe go to Belmont or Cumberland and be a part of the AST chapter at that school. I would then be able to be at her initiation and different things. I wont be able to do that now.  It makes me sad that I will not be able to share this with her and at this point I won't be able to share it with any of my nieces.

I have looked up the organizations that they have at UTM and done some research on each one and I have my opinion on what I would like her to choose and them to obviously choose her too! However, like I said this is her college experience and I want her to have as much fun as I did!! 

I had AMAZING sorority sisters! I can only hope that whatever sorority she ends up in she has as  great of a group of ladies as I did at CU in AST!!!   I had a blast and miss those ladies so much!

Ways that today was great!

Ok, so today was a pretty awesome day.  Here is the list of reasons why!


1. Crazy funny ride with mama and Robert on the way to see Kendall at UTM. Including such classic comments as:


"I would have figured him as a fig newton kind of man."

"Here is a piece of trivia for you. Who sings a classic country song about Carrol county"

"What do the directions say? Oh well we can skip that part of the directions now whats next?" *because that is totally the way to get to places*

2. My mother is a human GPS.

3. Even at my age as I walk into the dorms I get asked if I need to check in.

4. Even at my age as I go with Kendall to sign in for FRESHMAN orientation I get asked my major and last name so that I too can be signed in for FRESHMAN orientation.

5. Robert doesnt know what a lanyard is.

6. Robert doesnt know how to say lanyard.

7. Fake graduations, stupid questions, moving gym seats.

8. Spending time with Kendall!!!!

9. Mama and Robert are so funny. 

10. $7 all you can chinese buffet and it is AWESOME!

11. Kendalls dorm bathroom is awkard.

12. Once again mama is a HUMAN GPS!!

13. Kelli Pickler retweeted me!

14. Kendall really likes her roommate!

15. CCCHS beyond beat Sycamore.

16. Mama and I bicker for 6 hours and it is hilarious!!!

Overall, today was a pretty awesome day!!

UTM are you ready?

The University of Tennessee at Martin will be getting 2 new students that are dear to me tomorrow.  In just a few short hours we will be headed to move Kendall into her dorm room. 

I am very excited for her as she gears up for this new journey in her life. I will miss her more than words can express.  I can not wait to see all the things she accomplishes during this new journey. I wish I could describe all the things she is to me and how much she means to me.  I took her for granted a lot when I was in high school and college and I regret it.  I cant remember a time in my life when she was not there.  This is a new journey for us all. 

I am thankful that she will have her friend Alex there with her. I know that they will look out for each other and take care of each other. 

I hope that UTM is ready because these 2 kids are AWESOME FUN and CRAZY!   I do know that the faculty is probably not ready for Alex!

What I would have done.

I wish I knew what I could have done differently to keep Allisyn from hating me.  She left 15 months ago and I try not to dwell on it. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about her. Sometimes I am so angry I can not see straight. Sometimes it hurts in a crazy way. Sometimes I just miss her.  I miss our goofy conversations and fixing her hair and makeup.  I was so blindsided by this. She said such horrible things about me. But I felt that we were so close.  She slept in my room up until the last week she was here!  She spent all of her time with me. We talked about everything.  There is not a single thing I wouldn't have done for her.

I know most people don't understand how this can be such a big deal to me. After all I have been reminded more times that I can count that none of my nieces or nephews are my kids.  As if I didn't know that.  I may not have given birth to Allisyn and Conner but I surely couldn't love them anymore than I do. I have spent more time with them in the previous years of their lives than their parents did. 

I feel in so many ways that my heart was ripped out of me. I am sure one day it will not affect me like it does right now. I see that it is better than it was this time last year.

I don't begrudge her wanting to live with her mom. I never wanted to keep her from her mom. I encouraged that relationship. I tried to include her mom in any way that I could. I just wish she had tried to talk to me and tell me what she feeling and that she wanted to go live with her mom.

It feels like I will never see or speak to her again.  I am sure that is not the case. I just do not know what I would say to her if I did talk to her. I am not sure how I would react if I did see her.

Change is coming. Are you ready?

This is my first blog post.  I am not sure if  anyone will read it.  I am not sure if anyone cares. I am not even sure what I am going to "blog" about.




It is Sunday night. Well I guess it is technically Monday morning. Kendall leaves for college at UTM on Thursday.


My Granny Liz is dying. She thinks it will be sooner rather than later. She is basically not eating or drinking and cant keep anything down.

My sister moved to Louisianna yesterday.

There are to many changes at once.  I am not sure where to go from here.  Kendall has been such a HUGE part of my life  for her entire life.  Though her high school years we were really close and spent a lot of time together.  I know that I will be ok and she will be ok and we will ALL be ok it is just going to take some getting used to. 
I can not put into words how proud I am of this kid.  She is not a kid anymore.  She has grown into a beautiful, smart, talented, funny, sarcastic, sometimes mean, sometimes sensitive and  always amazing young woman. It has been such an amazing thing to watch her blossom into the person she is today.  There have been ups and downs.  Amazingly wonderful periods and some really low points.  She has strength like no one else. You throw things at her and she manages. 
To say I will miss her is an understatement.  To say I am excited for her is also an understatement.

My Granny Liz is not my grandmother technically speaking.  She is my great aunt.  In my heart she is no less grandmother to me than either of my actual grandmothers. The thought of losing her breaks my heart. Watching my mother go through the pain of  this breaks it even more.  I hope that we can have her till Christmas.  I would love to have one more Thanksgiving and Christmas with her.   I guess that might sound selfish.