A week ago today my family said our final goodbyes to my Granny Liz. I would not want her back as she was. She was in so much pain it was hard to watch. By the middle of the day on that Friday they did get her morphine regulated to the point that she was not in any pain. She passed peacefully and comfortably with her family around her. You cant really ask for more than that. I know she is in a better place. I know she is not in anymore pain. I know she would not want me upset. That doesnt keep it from hurting. That doesnt keep me from crying. That doesnt keep from wanting her back. There are so many things I wanted to ask her and talk to her about and I never got to. I wish I could have just one more day with her well and happy. If she saw me right now she would be griping at me for being sad. I am trying not to get upset. I wish I had the right words to express how I am feeling. I just dont or cant think of them. Cant find them. I am not myself right now. I am trying but its hard.
So if you see me and I am short with you or hateful or dont say much please dont take it personally. It is just how I am right now. I am sure at some point I will get back to myself. This is just harder than I ever thought it would be. I took care of her all summer knowing this was going to happen and soon but it did not prepare me for the shock of her going into the hospice center. Or the shock of being told the doctor said to call in the family. The shock of watching her breathing become more and more shallow till I watched the last breath. As my 8 year old nephew said there is a crack in my heart and it will never heal. I am sorry if this was to depressing for any of you.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Does it get any easier?
Life. Death. Does it get any easier?
At 4 years old I lost my "grandfather Jack". I do not have a lot of memories of him. I remember his funeral. I remember seeing him in the hospital before he died. I remember that he loved me so much. He always gave me butterscotch.
At 6 I lost my dad's dad "Little Pop". He was really funny. I remember going to his house and the hospital bed being there. I remember mama telling me he had died. I remember some of his funeral. That is about all I know about him.
At 14 I lost my great aunt Pauline. She funny and crazy and just wonderful. I understood what was going on and knew that she was going to die.
At 17 I lost my mom's mom "Pop". My brother is so much like him. It is crazy. I wish I had known him better. I wish I had more memories.
I have lost many other people in my life. Never does it get easier. Expected or unexpected. As I try to prepare myself for losing my Granny Liz I wish I had the wisdom, strength and selflessnes that I had at 4 when I told people at Jacks funeral not to cry because he was with our Lord now. I know she is in a lot of pain and that she is suffering and I hate that. But it does not mean I am ready to let her go. I guess I never will be.
At 4 years old I lost my "grandfather Jack". I do not have a lot of memories of him. I remember his funeral. I remember seeing him in the hospital before he died. I remember that he loved me so much. He always gave me butterscotch.
At 6 I lost my dad's dad "Little Pop". He was really funny. I remember going to his house and the hospital bed being there. I remember mama telling me he had died. I remember some of his funeral. That is about all I know about him.
At 14 I lost my great aunt Pauline. She funny and crazy and just wonderful. I understood what was going on and knew that she was going to die.
At 17 I lost my mom's mom "Pop". My brother is so much like him. It is crazy. I wish I had known him better. I wish I had more memories.
I have lost many other people in my life. Never does it get easier. Expected or unexpected. As I try to prepare myself for losing my Granny Liz I wish I had the wisdom, strength and selflessnes that I had at 4 when I told people at Jacks funeral not to cry because he was with our Lord now. I know she is in a lot of pain and that she is suffering and I hate that. But it does not mean I am ready to let her go. I guess I never will be.
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