Me.

So I have made some changes to my lifestyle.  I have been very hesitant to tell people because I do not want the judgement and comments that come with letting people know what I have been up to.  I just know how some people are.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have felt unlovable, not good enough, ugly, dumb, and have really just hated myself because of my weight. I have given up and not cared and didnt even try to do anything about it. That has all changed.

On March 24 I joined weight watchers and started regularly using the MyFitnessPal account I setup months ago.
Now don't get the wrong idea. I have not went on some crazy strict diet. I am making lifestyle changes. I still eat what I want. Just not as much as I want. So please never ask me if I can have something. I can have whatever I want and I do. I  measure and track everything I eat. I plan my meals. I know on Wednesday nights I am going to be eating out so I make sure my breakfast and lunch are fewer calorie meals than on other days.

Losing weight has been more emotional than I was prepared for. Somedays I just feel crazy. I have always been an emotional eater and I have really had to deal with that since trying to lose weight.  I do not have this all figured out.  Some days I think I am doing great.  Some days I do not think I can keep this up. As of today I have lost 30.4 pounds. I did not think that was possible a few months ago. I do not take compliments well. SO if I offend you by that I am sorry. I do appreciate them.

There are days when I look in the mirror and I can totally tell that I am doing great and days when I look in the mirror and all I see is how much more I have to go.It is  a struggle every day and sometimes every meal.
Here are a few pictures of me before I started and then the others are a few weeks ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new day!

Last night I posted a pretty depressing and emotional post.  It resulted in a rough night for myself. I spent some time just crying ( as girls do) and just was not sure about how today would be. 

I woke up this morning in a strange mood. I have been in a pretty great mood.  I have felt happier than I have in a long time.  I am not sure why and I am not sure how long it will last but I am grateful for this day! I have felt almost giddy! If I didn't know any better I would describe the feeling as being in love!   I guess I am in love with life!  For the moment anyways!  HA HA HA!!!!

I have this overwhelming feeling that my life is going to be great!  My life is going to turn out the way I always imagined and better.  I have hope that this feeling continues.  I am not sure where it came from.  I hope that it sticks around for awhile! 

Anyways,  I just wanted to let everyone know that today has been better. I feel if I post about the negative and crazy things in my life I should equally post about the positive things!

Emotional

So it has been a very emotional weekendish time for me.

Saturday it was 3 months since I lost my Granny Liz.  It has gotten easier  but I still miss her and think of her daily.  I do not think that will ever change. She had such an impact on my life. I can not even describe it.  I mean I was named after her.

Sunday was wonderfully uneventful. I stayed in my pajamas and napped and watched tv all day! It was  amazing.

Saturday I also helped an amazing teenager find her prom dress.  Ms. Lex is the same age as my sweet Conner. It made me miss for her so much! Not a day goes by that I do not think of Conner. It has been 1 year 9 months and 11 days since Conner was forced to move out. Just like with my Granny Liz, I still think of Conner EVERY SINGLE DAY. I miss her Every Single Day. It has gotten easier but harder too. I have missed so much. I am still not allowed to speak to her or see her.

I heard from Conner on Monday and it made me very emotional. I know that she is not that little girl that I picture sometimes when I think of her but to me she always will be. When I say it breaks my heart how much I miss her I mean it. I literally feel like a piece of me is missing.  She kept saying she wanted to come home but she cant.  Funny even after 1 year 9 months and 11 days she still considers this to be home. This is her family. Not the place or people she has been with during that time. I keep hope that in 925 days she will be 18 and out of high school and will not be able to be kept from me any longer.

I do not think anyone understands this pain.

19 years.

19 years ago my life changed forever.  

 I became an Aunt for the first time. 

 I can not believe what a huge impact that small baby has had on my life. I could not have imagined the fun and laughter that we have shared over the years. I could not have ever believed that she would not only be my niece but grow up to be my friend. She is smarter, more beautiful and more talented than any of us could have ever known as we looked at that baby all swaddled up and our hearts filled with love and joy.  She has brought more happiness than any of us could have imagined. 

I do not have the words to express what a truly amazing person she is.  She is funny. She can make you laugh all day long. She is a nerd and not just because it is cool to be a nerd right now,  but a true to heart nerd and she loves it!  So do I because that is who she has always been. 

She is funny, mean, loving (not in a touchy feely or mushy sort of way), sweet and sarcastic! 
 She has a temper so do not push her! She is very protective over the people she loves.

She is a dreamer.  She has big dreams and big plans and she does whatever it takes to try to accomplish those things.  She has her life planned out and she will make her dreams come true.  They might change 10 times but she will figure them out. She has such a bright future ahead of her and I am so thankful that I get to tag a long and watch. That I get to be part of her exciting world. 

People that do not take advantage of the opportunities that they have to spend time with her are truly missing out on an amazing person. 

I love her more than I could ever put into words.  I can not wait to see what the next 19 years have in store!

Gone from my Sight.

The day before my Granny Liz passed away I read a booklet that they gave us at the hospice center called "Gone from my sight" . On the last page was this poem and reading it has probably helped me more than anything else.  I try to keep thinking of all of the people that were waiting for her on the other side.  It does not make me miss her any less but I do not worry about her.

Gone From My Sightby Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Death comes in its own time, in its own way.
Death is as unique as the individual experiencing it.

Anonymous

A week later.

A week ago today my family said our final goodbyes to my Granny Liz. I would not want her back as she was.  She was in so much pain it was hard to watch.  By the middle of the day on that Friday they did get her morphine regulated to the point that she was not in any pain.  She passed peacefully and comfortably with her family around her. You cant really ask for more than that. I know she is in a better place. I know she is not in anymore pain. I know she would not want me upset. That doesnt keep it from hurting. That doesnt keep me from crying. That doesnt keep from wanting her back. There are so many things I wanted to ask her and talk to her about and I never got to.  I wish I could have just one more day with her well and happy. If she saw me right now  she would be griping at me for being sad. I am trying not to get upset. I wish I had the right words to express how I am feeling. I just dont or cant think of them. Cant find them.  I am not myself right now.  I am trying but its hard.
So if you see me and I am short with you or hateful or dont say much please dont take it personally.  It is just how I am right now.  I am sure at some point I will get back to myself. This is just harder than I ever thought it would be.  I took care of her all summer knowing this was going to happen and soon but it did not prepare me for the shock of her going into the hospice center. Or the shock of being told the doctor said to call in the family. The shock of watching her breathing become more and more shallow till I watched the last breath.  As my 8 year old nephew said there is a crack in my heart and it will never heal.  I am sorry if this was to depressing for any of you.

Does it get any easier?

Life. Death. Does it get any easier?
 At 4 years old I lost my "grandfather Jack". I do not have a lot of memories of him. I remember his funeral. I remember seeing him in the hospital before he died. I remember that he loved me so much. He always gave me butterscotch.

At 6 I lost my dad's dad "Little Pop". He was really funny. I remember going to his house and the hospital bed being there. I remember mama telling me he had died. I remember some of his funeral. That is about all I know about him.

At 14 I lost my great aunt Pauline. She funny and crazy and just wonderful. I understood what was going on and knew that she was going to die.

At 17 I lost my mom's mom "Pop". My brother is so much like him. It is crazy. I wish I had known him better. I wish I had more memories.

I have lost many other people in my life. Never does it get easier. Expected or unexpected. As I try to prepare myself for losing my Granny Liz I wish I had the wisdom, strength and selflessnes that I had at 4 when I told people at Jacks funeral not to cry because he was with our Lord now. I know she is in a lot of pain and that she is suffering and I hate that. But it does not mean I am ready to let her go. I guess I never will be.