A week ago today my family said our final goodbyes to my Granny Liz. I would not want her back as she was. She was in so much pain it was hard to watch. By the middle of the day on that Friday they did get her morphine regulated to the point that she was not in any pain. She passed peacefully and comfortably with her family around her. You cant really ask for more than that. I know she is in a better place. I know she is not in anymore pain. I know she would not want me upset. That doesnt keep it from hurting. That doesnt keep me from crying. That doesnt keep from wanting her back. There are so many things I wanted to ask her and talk to her about and I never got to. I wish I could have just one more day with her well and happy. If she saw me right now she would be griping at me for being sad. I am trying not to get upset. I wish I had the right words to express how I am feeling. I just dont or cant think of them. Cant find them. I am not myself right now. I am trying but its hard.
So if you see me and I am short with you or hateful or dont say much please dont take it personally. It is just how I am right now. I am sure at some point I will get back to myself. This is just harder than I ever thought it would be. I took care of her all summer knowing this was going to happen and soon but it did not prepare me for the shock of her going into the hospice center. Or the shock of being told the doctor said to call in the family. The shock of watching her breathing become more and more shallow till I watched the last breath. As my 8 year old nephew said there is a crack in my heart and it will never heal. I am sorry if this was to depressing for any of you.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Does it get any easier?
Life. Death. Does it get any easier?
At 4 years old I lost my "grandfather Jack". I do not have a lot of memories of him. I remember his funeral. I remember seeing him in the hospital before he died. I remember that he loved me so much. He always gave me butterscotch.
At 6 I lost my dad's dad "Little Pop". He was really funny. I remember going to his house and the hospital bed being there. I remember mama telling me he had died. I remember some of his funeral. That is about all I know about him.
At 14 I lost my great aunt Pauline. She funny and crazy and just wonderful. I understood what was going on and knew that she was going to die.
At 17 I lost my mom's mom "Pop". My brother is so much like him. It is crazy. I wish I had known him better. I wish I had more memories.
I have lost many other people in my life. Never does it get easier. Expected or unexpected. As I try to prepare myself for losing my Granny Liz I wish I had the wisdom, strength and selflessnes that I had at 4 when I told people at Jacks funeral not to cry because he was with our Lord now. I know she is in a lot of pain and that she is suffering and I hate that. But it does not mean I am ready to let her go. I guess I never will be.
At 4 years old I lost my "grandfather Jack". I do not have a lot of memories of him. I remember his funeral. I remember seeing him in the hospital before he died. I remember that he loved me so much. He always gave me butterscotch.
At 6 I lost my dad's dad "Little Pop". He was really funny. I remember going to his house and the hospital bed being there. I remember mama telling me he had died. I remember some of his funeral. That is about all I know about him.
At 14 I lost my great aunt Pauline. She funny and crazy and just wonderful. I understood what was going on and knew that she was going to die.
At 17 I lost my mom's mom "Pop". My brother is so much like him. It is crazy. I wish I had known him better. I wish I had more memories.
I have lost many other people in my life. Never does it get easier. Expected or unexpected. As I try to prepare myself for losing my Granny Liz I wish I had the wisdom, strength and selflessnes that I had at 4 when I told people at Jacks funeral not to cry because he was with our Lord now. I know she is in a lot of pain and that she is suffering and I hate that. But it does not mean I am ready to let her go. I guess I never will be.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
October
So my job became full time. I still love it. I work with awesome ladies. The kids are also amazing. We have so much fun. The parents are also great. I am on a regular schedule and it makes me pretty happy!
My birthday was yesterday. I am officially in my 30's. I do not love not because it is old or that I feel old but I am just not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Not in just one particular way just overall. This is not the life I thought I would have.
I have to say that cancer sucks. I hate it. It has claimed the lives of to many of my family members. My Granny Liz was put in hospice this week. The cancer has progressed regardless of the radiation that she had during the summer. I can not put into words how much she means to me. How much I love her. I would do anything to not have to lose her. However, I don't want her to be in pain and to suffer. I just wish I had appreciated the times that she was well more.
Please pray for her and our family.
My birthday was yesterday. I am officially in my 30's. I do not love not because it is old or that I feel old but I am just not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Not in just one particular way just overall. This is not the life I thought I would have.
I have to say that cancer sucks. I hate it. It has claimed the lives of to many of my family members. My Granny Liz was put in hospice this week. The cancer has progressed regardless of the radiation that she had during the summer. I can not put into words how much she means to me. How much I love her. I would do anything to not have to lose her. However, I don't want her to be in pain and to suffer. I just wish I had appreciated the times that she was well more.
Please pray for her and our family.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
AST
In 2 weeks it will be AST's founders day. After all these years this still makes me tear up!
What Is A Tau?
A Tau is a mixture of a boisterous little girl, a troubled adolescent, a sophisticated coed, charming young woman and a wise old lady.
She's a streak of gold and a flash of green dancing in the union, tying up the phone, planning a big weekend, cutting a two-hour lab, loafing in the dining hall, and whipping up a last minute party.
She will tease you some, comfort you when things look bad, let you down once in a while, lift you up when it counts the most, and praise you for your finest qualities.
On her desk you'll find a dance program, a sorority hat, Mom's last letter, a football schedule, her boyfriend's picture, and a calendar of social events.
As a sorority girl, she'll exert all her efforts to build a prize-winning float, compose a clever skit, pay this quarter's dues, set the table for tea, decorate for a party, and rush for AST.
She's known as an individualist, a party girl, a procrastinator, an absolute failure, and a huge success!
And when you need a song, she's there to sing it.
If you need a dress, she's there to lend it.
When you need some understanding, she's there to give it.
And when you need a sister, she's right there beside you.
She can be so much, yet so little.
But when she accepts a rose, a shirt, a pin and a hat, she's an angel, a princess, my sister!
An Alpha Sigma Tau
What Is A Tau?
A Tau is a mixture of a boisterous little girl, a troubled adolescent, a sophisticated coed, charming young woman and a wise old lady.
She's a streak of gold and a flash of green dancing in the union, tying up the phone, planning a big weekend, cutting a two-hour lab, loafing in the dining hall, and whipping up a last minute party.
She will tease you some, comfort you when things look bad, let you down once in a while, lift you up when it counts the most, and praise you for your finest qualities.
On her desk you'll find a dance program, a sorority hat, Mom's last letter, a football schedule, her boyfriend's picture, and a calendar of social events.
As a sorority girl, she'll exert all her efforts to build a prize-winning float, compose a clever skit, pay this quarter's dues, set the table for tea, decorate for a party, and rush for AST.
She's known as an individualist, a party girl, a procrastinator, an absolute failure, and a huge success!
And when you need a song, she's there to sing it.
When you need some understanding, she's there to give it.
But when she accepts a rose, a shirt, a pin and a hat, she's an angel, a princess, my sister!
An Alpha Sigma Tau
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
New things!
Last Friday I started a new job! It is only part time but I love it! Hopefully, at some point it will be full time we will see. I am working at the Cheatham Middle School daycare. I just feel better knowing that I have something to do each day! I am also sleeping better!! A big bonus is I get to see my favorite 2 year old and favorite infant every single day!!
So for everyone that thought I would fall apart when Kendall left
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::BBBllllllrrrrrrrrttttt:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I told you I would be fine! I told you I could make it!
Speaking of Kendall, (what how long did you expect me not to talk about her) she is enjoying college. She likes her roommate! SHOCKED I know!!! She is not a people person! She is making friends. She has survived doing laundry a few times. I am proud of her! I miss her! I can not wait to see her! I am so happy that she is having a good time and that she LOVES college!!!
It is not even close to the election and I am tired of the daily political rants, excuses and accusations by both parties! I mean if you think you can change someones political beliefs based on your own then you are all sorts of crazy!
Pink Sparkly shoes make me happy!
So does pretty duck tape!
That is all for now! 5 a.m. comes early!!
Today. 9-2-12
My sweet Conner,
Today is your 15th birthday and I hope that it was a great day. I have thought about you all day long. Honestly not a day goes by that I do not think of you and Allisyn. Regardless of all that happened I love you both more than I could ever tell you. I miss you both. You are always in my heart. This may be the second birthday of yours that has passed but it is not any easier than it was last year. I hope you got to talk to your dad. I hope that you had a great celebration.
Today is your 15th birthday and I hope that it was a great day. I have thought about you all day long. Honestly not a day goes by that I do not think of you and Allisyn. Regardless of all that happened I love you both more than I could ever tell you. I miss you both. You are always in my heart. This may be the second birthday of yours that has passed but it is not any easier than it was last year. I hope you got to talk to your dad. I hope that you had a great celebration.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Going Greek.
Kendall has been at UTM since the 16th of August. For quite some time we have been discussing if she would participate in recruitment week or not. I have tried not to influence her decision but just tell her that this is her college experience and she has to make that decision for herself.
Monday night was the informational meeting for ladies that were interested in participating in recruitment. I was not sure if she would attend or not because the last she had said was probably not. So I was pretty surprised when she called my Monday night and said that she went and she was so excited about going through the recruitment process.
I am very excited for her. It is bittersweet for me though. UTM does not have a chapter of AST. I know this may sound silly but this was something I always wanted to share with her. I wanted her to maybe go to Belmont or Cumberland and be a part of the AST chapter at that school. I would then be able to be at her initiation and different things. I wont be able to do that now. It makes me sad that I will not be able to share this with her and at this point I won't be able to share it with any of my nieces.
I have looked up the organizations that they have at UTM and done some research on each one and I have my opinion on what I would like her to choose and them to obviously choose her too! However, like I said this is her college experience and I want her to have as much fun as I did!!
I had AMAZING sorority sisters! I can only hope that whatever sorority she ends up in she has as great of a group of ladies as I did at CU in AST!!! I had a blast and miss those ladies so much!
Monday night was the informational meeting for ladies that were interested in participating in recruitment. I was not sure if she would attend or not because the last she had said was probably not. So I was pretty surprised when she called my Monday night and said that she went and she was so excited about going through the recruitment process.
I am very excited for her. It is bittersweet for me though. UTM does not have a chapter of AST. I know this may sound silly but this was something I always wanted to share with her. I wanted her to maybe go to Belmont or Cumberland and be a part of the AST chapter at that school. I would then be able to be at her initiation and different things. I wont be able to do that now. It makes me sad that I will not be able to share this with her and at this point I won't be able to share it with any of my nieces.
I have looked up the organizations that they have at UTM and done some research on each one and I have my opinion on what I would like her to choose and them to obviously choose her too! However, like I said this is her college experience and I want her to have as much fun as I did!!
I had AMAZING sorority sisters! I can only hope that whatever sorority she ends up in she has as great of a group of ladies as I did at CU in AST!!! I had a blast and miss those ladies so much!
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